Dare to Put Your Kids in Daycare

I was never away from my kids until I ventured into foster care. When my biological children were born, I worked evenings to spend my days caring for them. When they went off to school, I got a job at their school! For 10 years I followed this pattern, associating proper care with proximity.  

Then we became a foster family. Suddenly, I was struggling to keep my head above water with my old routine and fighting against the guilt that came with considering the alternative.

Misconceptions about daycare.

I was in full mom mode the day I scooped up a precious, 3-year-old little girl and held her close. She was nonverbal due to the pain her rotting little teeth caused her when she spoke or ate. Two days later, we took in her 4-year-old cousin too, and I instantly loved them both despite the challenges they both brought.

Neither child was potty trained. Both had delayed speech. And as a result, both displayed big behaviors around their frustrations at not being able to communicate.

I kept telling myself during this time that I could do it. I’d done it before. I was a good mom. I could handle it. I knew what I was doing.

I couldn’t bear the thought of treating these precious kids any differently than I had my own. I wanted to give them as much of myself as I could to help them heal. How could I pawn them off on a stranger to care for when they’d already been through so much?

The need for daycare.

It didn’t work. I could speak all the positive affirmations over myself that I wanted, but it didn’t change the fact that I was overwhelmed. All the activities, visitations and appointments, appointments, appointments — it all became too much to do while balancing two frustrated toddlers and a full family schedule.

Slowly, my relationships with my husband <link to Protecting Marriage through Foster Care blog>, biological kids, family and friends deteriorated until I no longer had time for any of them, much less for myself. Reluctantly, I began to see that giving these kids my best didn’t necessarily mean giving them my all.

At the advice of a fellow foster parent friend, I broke down and signed my two youngest up for daycare.

The benefits of daycare.

At first, I felt like a failure as a mom. Looking back now, though, I realize I was just ignorant about what daycare truly offered.

1. Partnership. Turns out, I wasn’t handing my kids to a group of indifferent strangers but to a staff of capable, understanding caregivers. They came alongside me in helping potty train the kids, reinforced skills we were practicing at home and gave the kids more safe adults in their life whom they could trust.
2. Structure. The repetition of going to the same daycare every day with the same adults and usually the same kids was comforting to our little ones. Not only did they find security in the consistency of the routine, but they also learned to trust that I would return for them every day, that they could depend on me.
3. Peer interactions/social skills. This was one of the best things that could have happened for the kids’ development. Daycare gave them the opportunity to learn social skills and appropriate behavior from their peers as well as how to build relationships.
4. Rest. The decision to utilize daycare allowed me to exit survival mode and reprioritize the relationships around me. I was able to get more done and even take care of myself, knowing that the kids were in good hands.

After one week of daycare, I began to feel like myself again. Emerging from the fog of self-criticism and exhaustion, I realized that using daycare didn’t mean I wasn’t enough for my kids. And it was not going to undo all the hard healing work we were doing at home.

Using the resources available to you should never cause guilt or shame. If daycare allows you to be the best version of yourself for your whole family, then it may just be the right choice.