Step-by-Step Guide to Respite Care

Appointments. Paperwork. Court dates. Visitations. Foster parents face a daily grind that goes beyond that of most parents. These bold moms and dads do the hard emotional and physical work of helping the children in their care heal and thrive. We should all stand in awe and take notes from these fearless parents. Then, we should do what we can to help! Like any parent, foster parents get tired and need opportunities for self-care and rest. In times like these, there is respite care.

Respite care may sound intimidating, but it simply means giving foster parents a break from the constancy of parenting. Much like babysitting a niece or nephew, you are giving parents an opportunity to go out on a date night, run errands or get chores done while you enjoy time to have fun and connect with the kids. The state of Montana does not require any special training, registration or licensing to provide respite care for 72 hours or less. However, there are a few steps you can take to help you get started on the right foot.

Step 1: Connect

Reach out and take the time to start a relationship with the family. Get to know their stories, struggles and motivations for fostering. Become an ally and friend first. This will help you better understand the family’s specific needs, and it will help them develop the trust it takes to lean on someone else.

Step 2: Meet and Greet

This is important. Once a foster parent feels confident enough to accept an offer for respite care, your next step should be getting to know the child. Express excitement when meeting them and again every time you see them. Show an interest in the child/children’s interests. By developing a relationship with the child, you pave the way for trust and friendship. Over time, this will help them view respite care as a fun time with a good friend rather than a separation from their parents.

Step 3: Ask Questions

Children in foster care often come from a background of abuse or neglect. That trauma can manifest in any number of ways. Understanding a child’s past, habits and preferences can help you understand their behavior and how to navigate it in their parents’ absence.

Ask questions and take notes. Good questions to ask include:

• What is your routine for mealtimes? What do they like to eat?
• What is their bedtime/bedtime routine?
• Are there any sensory triggers I should avoid? (I.e. – loud noises, scented candles, bright lights)
• What rules/phrases do I need to be aware of? (I.e. - “stick together” or “focus and finish”)
• How do you respond if rules are broken?
• What are some things you are teaching them, and how can we continue to work on those?  

Step 4: Create a Safe Environment

It is important to create a safe space for the children that we care for, not just physically but emotionally as well. We call this felt safety. Learn what makes them feel safe and not safe, this will vary based upon their history. (watch our video on felt safety here) Things like sleeping with the door open or a nightlight or having extra snacks handy can make all the difference. No matter the age of the children you are planning to host, always ask their parents about any preparations you can make to help keep them safe and secure.  

Step 5: Start Slow & Plan Ahead

Remember, it may take time to learn how to care for these children well. You may experience behaviors you’ve never dealt with before or questions you don’t know how to answer. That’s okay! You do not have to be perfect to care for these kids, and the more you do it, the more you will learn.

Be firm but gentle when setting and enforcing boundaries. Expect to spend extra time around meals and keep plenty of snacks on hand. Keep them hydrated and consider getting them a special water bottle for your house. Plan some activities to keep them active and engaged but make them optional. The more you get to know each other, the smoother each visit will go.

Step 6: Know Your Limits  

You are providing a huge service to this foster family. As you develop a relationship with them and they grow more comfortable with you, you may find yourself feeling guilty for turning down a request for respite. I would encourage you to accept two realities when entering into respite care:

1. You won’t be able to say “yes” every time.

2. You do not have to say “yes” to every request.

Just because you are comfortable keeping one child for a day, does not mean you have to say yes to three children for a full weekend. Just like the families you want to serve, you also have limits.  Setting boundaries is healthy and will allow you to continue serving with a cheerful heart.  

If you’re considering stepping up to offer respite to a foster family in your community and do want some additional training and information, visit respite.mt.gov. There you can sign up for a free training course that covers topics like communication, professionalism, play time, safety, and more! You can also visit our blog for more practical advice for providing trauma-informed care.