TBRI® Crash Course

People often step into foster care expecting their love to heal every wound a child has. What most new parents quickly learn, however, is that it takes much more than love or even traditional parenting techniques to help their children heal. Parenting children with trauma requires a different approach — one that focuses on a child’s needs, not just their behavior. Trust-Based Relational Intervention^® (TBRI^®) utilizes three key components to help parents care for their child as a whole.

Developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross, TBRI^® is designed to meet the complex needs of children who have experienced adversity, early harm, toxic stress and/or trauma. Because of their histories, it’s often difficult for these children to trust adults in their lives, often resulting in perplexing behaviors. TBRI® offers practical tools for anyone caring for kids from hard places to see the “whole child” in their care and help that child reach their highest potential.

TBRI^® addresses the impact of trauma on the whole child — their body, brain, biology, behavior and belief system. These are the Five Bs of Trauma. Because trauma impacts a child’s entire being, parenting these wounded kids requires an approach that promotes healing in all five of these areas.

Behavior is the language of unmet needs. Knowing this, it should become our priority as parents not to simply discipline an unwanted behavior, but to meet the need behind that behavior. TBRI^® teaches three principles for meeting a child’s most basic and deepest needs.

The Connecting Principle begins the healing process of relational wounds by rebuilding broken trust and helping a child feel safe.

The Empowering Principle promotes growth and learning by meeting physical, emotional and environmental needs.

The Correcting Principle aims to reshape behavior while maintaining unwavering acceptance of the child.

Here are a few practical ways to apply these principles to your everyday routine:  

Connecting:

There are multiple ways to build and re-enforce the bond between you and your child throughout the day. As you intentionally, consistently incorporate these verbal and nonverbal practices into your relationship, you will begin to see evidence that your child is forming healthy attachments.

1. Playful engagement — Use a playful tone, language and posture to disarm your child’s anxiety and fear.
2. Behavioral matching — Try crouching down to your child’s level and using non-threatening body language.
3. Soft eyes — Be conscious of your facial expression and keep kind, soft eyes when communicating with your child.
4. Healthy touch — A reassuring hand on their shoulder or gently touching their face (if they’re comfortable) can help a child feel connected and safe.
5. Tone and cadence of your voice — Using a calm, steady voice will help de-escalate situations and tells your child that you can be trusted to stay calm.

Empowering:  

Empowering a child means ensuring their brain and body have what they need to operate at their highest level by meeting their physical needs. Only with the right amounts of food, exercise, sleep and stimulation can a child begin to learn good decision-making skills.

1. Snacks and water — Providing consistent, healthy snacks and water every two hours will help keep your child’s body regulated and their mind sharp.
2. Movement — Regular physical activity allows your child to release pent up energy, stress or frustration. This can mean stomping, carrying heavy weights or spinning.
3. Sensory needs — Learning your child’s specific sensory needs (like aversions to specific smells or sounds) can help you both avoid over or under stimulation.

Correcting:

The goal of correction is to remain connected to your child while disarming fear and retraining their brains. This does not mean allowing disrespectful behavior but it does mean rethinking how we address these behaviors.

1. Scripts — These short, memorable phrases can help your child mark unacceptable behavior and self-correct without shame. Examples of scripts include "no hurts,” “try that again with respect,” “focus and finish” and “stick together.”
2. Redos — A redo allows you to acknowledge an inappropriate behavior and give your child a second chance to succeed in responding correctly. This not only addresses the behavior without causing shame but also lets your child practice good decision making.
3. Choices — Choices help your child feel heard and in control while still achieving the parent’s end goal. (ex. Would you like me to buckle you in or would you like to do it yourself?)
4. Compromise — When your child isn’t thrilled about the choices you offer, encourage them to come up with a compromise. This encourages problem solving and teamwork to find a solution that works for everyone.

These strategies do work. However, teaching your children to manage their emotions and react appropriately to new situations will take time, practice and patience. When unacceptable behaviors do happen, practice the IDEAL response:

• Immediate — Try to address the behavior within 3-5 seconds of it happening, but remember, a calm response is more important than a quick response. Take a moment to calm yourself before responding if you’re feeling triggered.
• Direct — Get on your child's level, make eye contact and give them your undivided attention.
• Efficient — Only be as firm as the situation calls for and be concise with your words.
• Action-Based — Have the child practice the appropriate behavior (give a redo).
• Leveled at the Behavior — Respond only to the behavior at hand without shaming the child. Their preciousness, value and worth are never in question.

Trust-Based Relational Intervention^® is not designed to be a cure all or an easy fix. It will not end challenging behaviors or attachment struggles overnight. Karyn Purvis would often say, “Pay now or pay later.” You are making an investment of time and effort as you begin to implement these principles. With practice, you can expect to see lasting change in your relationship with your child and in the way they independently interact with the world around them.

“When your child feels truly safe, doors swing open to positive change.” -Dr. Karyn Purvis

To dive into TBRI^® check out this brief TBRI^® Overview Video.  We also recommend reading “The Connected Child” and “The Connected Parent.”