Protecting Your Marriage through Foster Care

Parenting children from hard places can test you on every level, especially in your marriage. And it can start before a child ever enters your home. I cannot stress enough how important it is for both the husband and the wife to be on board with foster care before jumping in. It's not enough for one parent to simply "go along" with fostering because they want to appease their spouse or because it's the "right thing to do.” It isn’t sustainable to be partners in every aspect of life except for fostering. This is not a journey to be undertaken alone. Even the best single foster parents need a community of support to provide respite, encouragement and help. You cannot expect to fight well for your children or your marriage in your own strength. Here are five tips to help you prioritize your marriage while on mission.

Communicate

Calendars can fill up quickly. Our children’s busy schedules on top of challenging behaviors require a lot of time, energy and attention from both parents. It’s important to have an established, uninterrupted time and way to communicate about your goals, needs, concerns and emotions.

• Set aside at least 15 minutes each evening to communicate with your spouse about what happened that day, what is happening the next day and what your expectations are for who will take what responsibilities. (I.e. — appointments and activities).
• Have a shared calendar (visual or an app) where appointments can be added and seen.
• Talk through commitments and what to say “yes” and “no” to.  

Be a Team

Triangulation and manipulation are commonly used tactics for children with trauma. It’s important for both your children and your spouse to understand that Mom and Dad are a team, not to be played against one another. Whether you agree with your spouse in the moment or not, make sure you are presenting a united front, even if you have to step away to discuss something before continuing.

• Check in with the other parent before agreeing to a child’s request. (Applies to situations that have not been previously discussed, like unplanned outings, irregular purchases or major deviations from routine)
• Agree to support one another in public and discuss differing parenting opinions in private.
• Never criticize or minimize your spouse in front of your children.

Be Intentional

Find moments to enjoy one another in the midst of all the other things. Even if it means locking the kids out of your bedroom for a couple hours. Work on practicing all five love languages with one another — words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service and physical touch.

• Words of affirmation — Remind your spouse of the things you enjoy and admire about them. Be your spouse’s cheerleader on the hard days and rejoice with them on the good days.
• Quality time — take a walk around the block while the kids ride their bikes or play a game of cards after the kids go to bed.
• Gift giving — surprise your spouse with a sugary snack they don’t have to share or a fun pair of socks. Show them that they are worthy of the same thought and expense you invest in the kids.
• Acts of service — look for something that needs to be done and do it. Fill up their gas tank so they don’t have to or pick up those dishes they were too tired to wash last night. Try to make life just a little easier for each other whenever you can.
• Physical touch — hold hands at the grocery store, scratch their back before bed. When life gets busy, even though it may feel strange, schedule time for intimacy throughout the week. It’s not only good for your marriage, it’s vital.

Ask for Help

Parenting is hard, and fostering is even harder. You will get burnt out, discouraged and overwhelmed. Be willing to ask others for help so you can do the above well without leaning too hard on one another.

• Have a list of people you trust with your children and can reach out to ask for respite, carpooling, a meal, etc.
• Find a therapist for yourself or as a couple. You don’t have to be in crisis mode to seek professional help and support.
• Learn to say “yes” when someone offers to help. You were never meant to do this alone, and allowing others to care for you blesses them as well.  

Pray Together

Bring all your needs before God who sees you, deeply cares for your family and who sustains your marriage out of His own desire to see you succeed.  

• Pray for God’s protection over your marriage and family.
• Pray for healing in your kids’ hearts, minds and bodies.
• Confess the ways you’ve sinned against each other, asking for forgiveness and forgiving one another.
• Pray for your spouse’s specific needs, strength and joy.

Remember in times of stress and strain that your spouse is not your enemy. You’re on the same team, standing side by side to face each problem together. There is a very real Enemy who wants to see your marriage fail and will attack the places where you are weakest. But there is also a very real God who is for you and whom none can stand against. Keep Him at the center of your marriage and you cannot fail.

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