Why Trauma-Informed Parenting Is Different

If we saw behavior as a language, what would it tell us about our children? The Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development operates under this premise — “Behavior is the language of unmet needs.”

Whether those needs are physical, emotional or psychological, your child’s brain and body have developed ways to cope with their absence. A historical lack of needed physical or emotional safety may result in a child hiding, lying or attempting to manipulate the people around them to keep themselves safe.

Traditional parenting addresses behavior. But parenting children who’ve experienced abuse and neglect requires you to get curious about the need behind the behavior.

The effects of trauma.

The children who come to us through foster care have been impacted by trauma. Trauma rewires the brain to see and anticipate danger everywhere, all the time. It does this through constantly heightened levels of cortisol, the chemical that triggers fight, flight or freeze mode.  

When a child’s brain is constantly on high alert, certain sounds, lights, smells and a plethora of other things can overstimulate their senses, setting off danger alarms without warning. These internal alarms can result in some baffling behaviors that are confusing and frustrating for us as parents.

By now, you may have noticed that more traditional methods of discipline, such as spankings, time outs, loss of privilege and groundings, don’t work for children from hard places. That’s because these methods are fear based, and you can’t fight fear with fear. These methods also involve very little connection and fail to address the need behind the behavior.

Trauma informed parenting shifts the narrative. Instead of reacting to the outward behavior, we can begin addressing the inner cause. This approach makes room for empathy and connection that helps build a relationship that allows you to teach your child a different way.

Understanding trauma.

One illustration that’s helped me better understand the need for trauma informed parenting in my own family is that of a child with a broken arm. With a neon cast from wrist to shoulder, it’s hard not to feel compassion for that child and make some adjustments to accommodate his limitations.  

If it’s his dominant arm that’s broken, we adjust our expectations for his writing, eating and other everyday tasks. As a parent, we’d expect to assist him with bathing and dressing and taking care of his cast.

Similarly, children who come to us through foster care have been wounded in some less visible ways by their abuse and neglect. A child that has gone hungry in the past may develop a fear or trigger around food. Their survival brain might drive them to hoard or steal food in order to feel safe, even if food is now regularly available.  

In the same way that we empathize and make adjustments for the child with the broken arm, we must also learn to accommodate a child whose brain has been hurt by trauma. This might mean adjusting rules around snacks at bedtime or keeping a “yes” basket of snacks they can have anytime.

The beauty of bones and brains is they can heal with nurture, love and help from those who specialize in them.  

The trauma-informed difference.

Many parents who consider making the shift from traditional parenting to trauma informed parenting worry that this new approach will be too dismissive. Especially for those of us who came from a strict upbringing, this method may feel like it fails to adequately hold kids accountable for their behavior and lets them off the hook too easily. Or maybe as a Christian, you question where accountability for sin nature comes into play.  

I’ve wrestled with these very same thoughts, but I keep returning to God’s heart for me as His child. I make mistakes every single day and yet He continues to draw me near and offer me grace through connection with Him. I still face consequences for my choices, but God in His love teaches me through those consequences. I want to parent as closely to God’s heart as I can.

This doesn’t mean that I excuse or ignore disrespect or bad choices. But I do make every attempt to empathize with my child and offer grace through redo's so their brains can begin to create healthy pathways.  

Trauma informed parenting is humbling and requires me to die to myself and my need for perfection and control. It has taught me that as much as it positively impacts my child, it’s also painfully and yet beautifully reshaping my own heart.

Implementing trauma-informed parenting.

The following are some practical things that we can do to move towards trauma informed parenting.

Take time to consider and process your own history.

What did discipline look like in your household growing up? Did you have a voice in your home? What behaviors seem to trigger you most and why do you think that is?  

Taking a look at the why’s behind the way you naturally parent will help you discern where your parenting style came from and where you could implement trauma-informed techniques.

A great resource for diving into our own history and how it impacts our parenting is “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel Siegal and Mary Hartzell. You can also check out this attachment style quiz which gives some insight into your own attachment style.  

Provide felt safety and structure.

Even though we know a child is safe in our care, due to their past, the child might not feel safe. This is where we can begin to help a child’s brain heal and leave survival mode through the way we parent.  

Be mindful that there may be certain times of the day, seasons, places, sounds, etc. that trigger feelings of fear in your child. Be patient in these moments and offer gentle words or touch if they need it. Be aware of your facial expression, body language and tone of voice.

Implementing a consistent daily routine allows a child to feel safe in their expectations for each day. Adopting a consistently calm and gentle response to their fear or frustrations will help your child feel safe in their expectations of you.

Educate yourself on trauma.

This can be a hard topic to dive into, but there are so many resources now available to help you understand trauma and how it impacts the brain and body. Learning about the ways your child’s past has impacted them opens the door to deeper connection with them as you begin to understand the needs behind their behavior.  

Trauma informed parenting doesn’t have to be overwhelming, and you don’t have to do it alone. Start small with one intentional change and add in other strategies as you go. Some of my go to resources for trauma education have been Child Bridge Foster Connects, Journey Groups and conferences.

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