When You Don’t Know What to Pray

Watching our child from foster care struggle against my husband, I felt tears prick my eyes as I swept up shards of broken glass. It was an accident. A picture frame left leaning against the wall, waiting to be hung, had shattered when my son bumped it while sliding down the hallway in his socks.  

We weren’t angry. He wasn’t in trouble. But still this 10-year-old boy was fighting to slap and scratch himself, screaming that he was bad and deserved to be punished.

As his foster parents, we were exhausted both physically and spiritually. There we were, fighting to keep this child safe and calm his fears — the same battle we’d fought every day that week. And it felt like nothing we tried was working.

My heart cried out to God for help, though I couldn’t even find words to express our need.

Once the tantrum subsided and I sat rocking a sniffling little boy, I felt God’s prompting to start memorizing scriptures to keep in my pocket and help me through the moments when my own words fail.

The Lord understands.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26

One day, I sat on a video court call, face-to-face with a judge who had just asked me directly what I needed to keep fighting for a child in my care. My mind went blank. We’d been trying for months to get therapy appointments set up, medications figured out, IEPs updated. And now my exhausted brain couldn’t think of a single thing to ask of the one person with the power to help us.

Thankfully, my son’s counselor was on the call too. And she went to bat for both of us. She made several recommendations to the judge, requesting things that would not only benefit our child but us too as parents. And the judge granted them all.

That is who we have in the Spirit. When the situation feels too heavy, too confusing, too dark for us to bear, the Spirit intercedes on our behalf to the Father. When we don’t even know what we need, He does. And when He asks the Father for what we need, the Father generously answers.

The Lord qualifies you.

“It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of His new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life.” 2 Corinthians 3:5-6

Do you ever come up against moments as a parent that leave you feeling unqualified for the job? I remember the first time I broke my own parenting rules.  

I was exhausted after work, trying to get dinner on the table and frustrated by my son’s constant interruptions as he fought for my attention. When he rolled a toy car straight at my ankle while I strained boiling water from the pasta, I erupted.

“Go to your room and stay there!” I shouted. My boy ran to his room and slammed the door. I had taken trainings, read books, attended conferences, all in preparation for foster care. But in that moment, I knew I couldn’t care for this child well in my own strength.

Thankfully, God is gracious to sinful parents as well as sinful children. I had failed to show God’s grace to my son as I tried to juggle everything else. But when I went to apologize to him for yelling, I watched God use that moment to teach my son humility, forgiveness and trust.

“Yet not I, but through Christ in me.”

The Lord hears you.

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:17-18

I always found it amazing when reading through the Gospel how many times Jesus paused His plans when confronted with the need or pain of another. Whether He was teaching or traveling, nothing was more pressing to Jesus than the cry of the hurting soul in front of Him.

That’s who He is. Jesus is drawn to our sadness, our grief and our pain. And He is drawn by the depths of our children’s hurt and need as well. The storms we weather on behalf of these children put us directly in the path of God’s outpouring of grace. He cannot turn aside or ignore our cries for help any more than He could ignore the lame man lowered through the roof by his friends (Mark 2).

And when He answers you, He will not merely remove the circumstances you’re facing. He will heal you completely, raising up your spirit and forgiving every sin. The nature of our kind and humble Savior is one that rushes to our aid in times of trouble. He is with you in the storm.

The Lord is in charge.

“And He awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!’ And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, ‘Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?’ And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, ‘Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?’” Mark 4:39-41

Jesus told the disciples to go out on that lake at that time on that day, knowing a storm awaited them. He went to sleep at the stern with a purpose in mind for a situation that looked impossible to His followers.

You’re in the boat that Christ Himself put you in. I know the fear and frustration that comes with watching other people in the boat steer it straight toward a storm. It’s scary to watch those in a position to change your child’s life and your entire family’s future make bad decisions while the Lord seems to be sleeping at His post.

But don’t be fooled. Christ had the power to prevent the storm, not just calm it. He had the chance to take over for the disciple at the boat's helm. He could have filled the boat with different people, set a different course or even chosen a bigger boat. He didn’t.

Without the storm, we would never get to witness God’s power and His complete authority. He reigns above every design, plan or possibility, and He will accomplish His will no matter what. Your job is simply to be still and know that God Himself is in the boat with you, directing every wind and wave you encounter.

The Lord is with you.

“Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“Fear not” seems like an easy enough thing to say when you’re not actively facing loss or pain or rejection. But these hard realities are a part of foster care.  

We let go of and grieve children we’ve held for months. We worry about decisions being made on their behalf that are out of our control. These are the unknowns we as parents walk into for the sake of children who’ve already faced too many.

We can’t throw off fear like a blanket by looking inside ourselves for some untapped source of strength. Instead, we conquer fear by walking toward it, knowing that the Lord is our God. He is right there in that fearful moment with you, and He has made an unbreakable promise to help you and uphold you.

This verse is an invitation, not a reproach. Fear is not a lack of faith but rather an opportunity to put faith into practice.

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Foster care, adoption and kinship care require us to go beyond what we think we’re capable of and rely on God more than ever before. Consider memorizing these verses for the moments that stretch and challenge you, and to give you hope that the Lord hears, provides and conquers all.

For a more in-depth dive into foster care through a Gospel lens, sign up for our Foundations course here and check out our Loving Your Child Like Jesus Does blog post.