Telling Kids Their Story

Few parents look forward to the day when their child asks where they came from. Just talking about the birds and the bees can be tricky at the best of times. But parents caring for kids from hard places often face the added challenge of explaining the painful circumstances surrounding their kids’ life story.

How do you explain to a child that their birth mother was a prostitute? Or that their father died before they were born? Some of these children's stories can be so painful that foster and adoptive parents may not know how to talk about it. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t.

Even when it’s hard for us to share and hard for our kids to hear, their story belongs to them. They need to be able to trust us to tell them the truth, no matter how difficult.  

Here are a few tips to help you navigate conversations with your child about their story.

1. Keep it age appropriate.

When sharing a child’s story with them, keep in mind not only their age, but how they will process the information. You may not share details about the violent relationship between their birth parents with a 3-year-old. But you can explain that their parents were not able to keep them safe.

As a pre-teen, however, that child will want and should be able to receive the truth. It will be painful but appropriate to now explain how alcohol led to arguments and arguments led to domestic violence between their parents, leaving them unable to ensure their safety.

Brain Science: Experts now suggest that parents share a child's full story with them by the age of 12 (developmentally). Most children at age 12 begin to think more abstractly, meaning their brains will start to seek context for their memories. However, at this age, they are more likely to receive this information from you more easily than if you wait until they are teenagers.

**Keep in mind that some children’s developmental age may not match their biological age. If you are unsure, work closely with a trauma informed therapist in your area.  

2. Be honest.

I remember the day my pre-teen daughter asked me an awkward question about her birth mom.

“Was my mom really in a coma for two months?”

My heart started pounding. I knew she hadn’t been in a coma because I had seen her twice walking around town. I took a deep breath, sent a prayer up and said, “No, I don’t believe she was. I've seen her a couple of times.” After a few seconds, Emma replied, “I thought so. Where did you see her?” Our conversation turned to where I had seen her and my daughter’s relief that her mom was okay.

I wanted to lie, to preserve Emma’s view of her birth mom. But it turned out she already suspected her birth mom was lying. She was simply looking to me to tell the truth. By answering honestly, I strengthened her trust in me. Later, when we need to have a hard conversation about her behavior at school or her relationship with a boy, she will be able to trust that I have her best interests at heart. In her book, “Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child,” Jayne Schooler goes into detail about the importance and techniques of navigating these conversations.‍

3. Speak with honor.

How you choose to speak about your child’s history, and especially their birth family, matters no matter what kind of relationship they have with them. When a child hears someone they trust talking poorly about their birth parents, they may start to believe the same things apply to them. They’re related by blood, after all.

You can’t avoid the truth of what’s happened to your child, but you can be intentional about what language you use to share it with them. One way to do this is to stick to the facts without adding any narrative to the story. Look at the difference between these two statements.

Example:
‍“I’m sorry your mom didn’t show up for your visit again. I just don’t understand how she could put drugs before her own child.”

VS.

‍“Mama Jane really struggles with addiction, and addiction can cause people to put drugs first, even before the people they really love. How are you feeling?”‍

See the difference? One blames while the other explains. It’s not your job to influence your child’s feelings about their birth parents. It’s simply your job to provide information that can help them make sense of their story and allow them to express their own feelings about it.  

4. Their story is not our story.

We do not assume ownership of a child’s story when they come into our care. We become part of it, and we become responsible for protecting it. But their story is and always will be theirs. They should be able to choose how much of it to share and with whom.

Ask yourself how much information each person in their lives truly needs. Their therapist or doctor may need to know the whole story. But does their camp counselor really need to know they were born addicted to drugs? Does their teacher need to know that they were sexually abused by their sibling?

I took my two girls, Emma and Bailey, to get pedicures, something they had never done before. The nail technician smiled as they sat down and asked them, “Is this your mom?” The girls looked at me in panic. I saw their thoughts racing.

‍Should we tell her? Will she judge us? Does she need to know?‍

I quickly answered, “They’re my girls,” and the nail technician moved on. As we drove home, I asked the girls how they felt about me implying I was their mom. Emma replied, “It was okay. It’s not her business anyway.”

We then talked through what they’d like for me to say or do in several different scenarios. And from then on, I didn’t get any panicked looks because they knew I what I would say and what I’d save for them to share when and if they chose.  

5. Pray for wisdom.

We can prepare our hearts and minds to share our child’s story, but then they ask a question we were not expecting. In the panic of the moment, you may even say something you didn’t mean like I have.

Take some time to ask the Holy Spirit to give you the words that your child needs and give you wisdom before responding.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

‍Father God, thank you for bringing these children into my home. I pray that you would give me wisdom when speaking to my children about their story and grace when I mess up. Help me to see my children and their birth parents through Your eyes. Allow me to choose words that they will understand easily. Please help my children to know that their past does not define them, and that You have good plans for them. Amen.‍